Can someone please remind me what sleep is?

Blaine has always been, what us mother's call, a "good sleeper".  From a very young age Blaine slept through.  Two little words that mean the world to every parent all over the world - slept through.  As a baby a lot of emphasis is put on sleep.  "How does he sleep? How long does he nap? Has he started sleeping through yet?" A lot of conversations with other parents regards sleep.  It's the ultimate goal - to get your baby sleeping through. There's loads of books out there by sleep "experts" who offer a variety of top tips to get your baby to sleep, you can do the "Controlled Crying" technique or the "shush pat" technique - sleep training is a Big Thing.  Type "sleep training for babies" into Google and you will get 13,300,000 results - I know this as I have done it.

Blaine was in a mentally strict routine as a baby - in fact I rarely left the house for the first 4 months incase it interrupted his sleep routine.  All my activities were based around Blaine and his sleep "nnoooooo, I can't meet for lunch at 12, but I can meet at 2 but only for an hour - I need to get back to put Blaine down for his nap"  When he started nursery, at the age of 9 months, the staff were warned "He MUST NOT sleep past 4pm and NEVER rock him to sleep - put him in the cot and LEAVE HIM" I was like a demented woman. I never picked him up if he cried, no, no, no.  Must not cuddle the baby.  From 16 weeks Blaine slept through.  A proud moment for any parent and my sleep pattern returned to normal.  Bliss.  Since then he's always gone to bed at 7pm and slept through.  My wonderful sleeping son.

Now, Imogen.  Imogen laughs in the face of sleep.  Well, not so much laugh more like a high pitched, toe curling shriek! So I have been living on minimal sleep for 6 months now - in fact longer than that as when I was preggy I resembled a  beached whale and with a dodgy pelvis lying in any position was not good.  Add some heart-burn, swollen ankles that need to be raised, constantly needing to pee and an alien-being rumbling about in your tummy and you kinda get the idea that sleeping when preggy just doesn't happen.  Some say it's to prepare you for when the baby arrives.  Bollocks to that.  Fuck all to do with "preparing for the baby" but everything to do with being so bloody uncomfortable.  Getting out of bed was like a gymnastic sport.  Bringing the knees up ever so slowly, I would grab hold of the head board and attempt to flip myself onto my side without tipping the bed over or falling out. Not a nice sight I can tell you. Once out of bed my pelvis would crack into some form of shape to allow me to hobble to the loo.  I don't do pregnancy well.  Tom, of course, was the most supportive of all husbands during my pregnancy "What the fuck are you doing?  Be quiet I'm trying to sleep! Stop moving about" etc You get the drift.  eventually I had to give up and Tom was told to fuck off to the spare room so he could get a decent kip.  Which gave me the king size bed all to myself - still not enough room for all my pillows to "support" me, 2 at the back, 1 under the bump, 1 between the legs, 2 under the head.  I'd finally get into position and I'd need a piss. Fuck sake.  Honestly - being pregnant is just rubbish.

Imogen has always been a crap sleeper.  Apparently I'm due a "bad sleeper" as Blaine was so good - well thanks for that.  If Imogen had been born first I doubt we would have had a second one. She is a nightmare. As a newborn (the horrific stage) she had colic.  They thought it was "silent reflux"  as it was so bad, so she was flung on a heap of medication that didn't work. So all that got stopped.  The Health Visitors gave the usual crap advice and sympathetic look, but nothing really worked.  She grew out of that and we got excited about a decent sleep at long last.  In fact, scrub that - when I say We I really mean I.  Tom gets a decent kip most nights as he works.  I don't. So I have to get up every single night without fail. Yes, folks, that's correct - being at home looking after the kids is not a job at all.  It's not hard work as all I do all day is sit on the sofa drinking coffee and watching daytime TV.  This is what Tom thinks.  Also, as I'm breastfeeding, Tom has always had this card to play "she needs fed" and shes quickly handed to me as he snores away in bed.  There is nothing more frustrating in life than hearing someone snoring and watching them sleep peacefully when you're getting up for the 5th time that night.  It drives you mad. 

So, nearly 6 months in with a non-sleeping baby and you kinda get to the point of cracking up.  No amount of vodka is helping anymore - I even started on the cocktails yesterday to try and stay sane.  Didn't work - although they were bliss!

The advice for newborns and non-sleepers is "sleep when the baby sleeps"  Ahhhh yes, now this sounds perfect - but in reality it rather sucks.  Big style.  Imogen sleeps when out in the buggy taking Blaine to school - I can't exactly have a 20 min kip on the pavement.  Well I could if I was on Union Street, I'd fit right in.  As soon as I enter the house she'll wake up.  When she does nap in her cot I have to run about like a loon trying to do the washing, dishes, tidy up - I sometimes even have time to go for a pee in peace, eat some food and drink a hot cup of coffee.  By this time she's awake and wanting my attention.  Sigh.  If I slept with Imogen slept then my house would be in even worse a state than it currently is, Blaine wouldn't go to school and we'd all be naked as we'd have no clothes to wear.  Not a sight I want the neighbours to see - Tom prancing about naked, they would wonder why I married him.

Imogen's life is revolved around Blaine going to school, being picked up from school, going to Karate lessons, swimming lessons, mum and baby groups etc Her routine is "flexible" to say the least.  Today I look like crap.  Been up since 4am, Tom took her at 6am as I had just crumbled in a heap of sheer exhaustion, so I could get 90 mins kip before getting Blaine sorted for school.  No school holiday up here today!  I drag myself, Blaine and Imogen down to the school.  Not even had a coffee so I barely even know what day it is. I did manage to grab an hours kip this afternoon, which means I have had about 4 hours sleep in the past 24 hours - whoop whoop!

So we continue with the crap sleeping.  I've even started a diary so I can see for myself how bad it is - as if I need reminding!  One day she will sleep through and I will rejoice.  In fact I'd probably run about the street naked.  My neighbours will be pleased.