Last Friday I departed Aberdeen with the kids and went to visit my mum. Tom had to stay in Aberdeen for brass-band commitments (don't get me started) so he was left home alone. For one night. How bad could it be?!
I left the house at approximately 18:15, the place was a tad untidy - which is not unusual - and Tom was practically pushing us out the door with glee. He had band to get to, so we had to get away so he had time to get ready (lie on sofa and do fuck all in other words) I drove for 3 hours to get to mum's - dealing with 2 delightful children. Blaine decided this drive would be a good one to question me about God. Not a topic I'm all that great on but I tried my best to answer his question, which included the following:
- "Mummy, how do you know when God is speaking to you?" Me - "erm.... you hear it in your head and heart, but no-one else hears what he's saying" Blaine "Does he whisper very quietly?" Me - "yes"
- "Mummy, Jonah was sent on a trip by God. Where did he have to go?" Me - "erm...Bethlehem?" Blaine "NO MUMMY! THAT'S WRONG!" Me "erm.... Jerusalem? Nazareth?" both wrong too apparently. To this day I still don't know where Jonah had to go - so if anyone can help then please let me know!
- "Mummy, God makes it rain doesn't he? I mean, he made it rain lots so Jonah got eaten up by a whale!!! Will a whale eat me if it rains?" Me "Well, no, God doesn't make the rain. It's all to do with the ocean and clouds and stuff. Science stuff. Ask daddy"
- "Why does Jesus have 2 daddies but not 2 mummies?" Me "erm...well, God is the Father of everyone I suppose. Joseph was who Jesus called Dad, I think." Blaine "Did God pick up Jesus from school" Me "No, that was probably Mary as Joseph would have been working and God didn't live with them" Blaine "why did Mary not work? Was she lazy? You work mummy, was Mary not a boss like you?" Me "No, Mary was not a boss, play your DS now Blaine"
Fast forward to Saturday morning.
I receive a phone call from Tom at approximately 9am on Saturday morning. Tom is a tad excited as he thinks he can see a dead person from the bedroom window. Yes, you did read that right. Dead. The back of our house overlooks a small wooded area, people use it walk their dogs, short cut to other areas etc. Tom has woken up, opened the curtains and while taking in the view (God I hope he wasn't naked) he has spied a man lying on the ground outside. So Tom is told to get dressed and go help the poor man.
Tom got dressed and rushed outside and bumped into our neighbour Joe - old geezer - Tom fills Joe in about the body in the woods and Joe, helpfully, runs back into his house to look out of his bedroom window to keep an eye on Tom. Tom goes to this body on the ground and, using all his medical knowledge, gives the bloke a kick. Nothing happens. Tom can see he is breathing so decides to use more of his medical knowledge - so he kicks him harder and shouts "YOU ALRIGHT MATE?" This stirs the man from his sleep and he wakens up - to see Tom towering over him and kicking him. It's a youth - drunk from a party the night before, his hands are blue. Tom helps him up and asks him "Where you going?" the youth replies "Danestone, I was at a party and on my way home". "Oh right, you better get home and get a hot bath and something hot in you - your hands are blue" That's Tom's wonderful medical advice. With that the youth wanders off.
Tom is now running late for band so, in a mad panic, rushes home to get ready. Then he spies something. Something that Tom hates. A spider. A big, scary spider. So big he can hear it breathing as it scuttles past - laughing at Tom and flicking him the v's on all legs. Tom now turns into a big girl's blouse. I'm the one who has to deal with any spider invasions - but Tom is home alone and he needs to get rid of the spider incase it crawls into his ear or mouth one night when he's asleep or something ridiculous.
So Operation Kill Spider commences. Tom decides the best way to get rid of this enormous beast is to use the glass technique then flick it in the toilet. The glass technique is very simple. Place glass over spider. Slide paper under glass, lift and put spider safely outside. Or down toilet. Tom finds a HUGE glass as the spider was massive apparently, puts it over the spider and slides the paper under the glass. So far, so good. Then he very carefully lifts it up and carries it over to the toilet. Now, it's at this point I get slightly confused as to what happened. It would appear that the spider decided that today was not his day to die, and started to try and escape from the glass - Tom freaked out as it was moving and (squealing like a girl no doubt) started to panic madly and rush to flick the big scary spider out of the glass into the toilet. Which he did. But while doing so he dropped the glass and it broke. In the toilet.
Now any normal human being would do the sensible thing and remove the glass from the toilet - you know, just to make sure it doesn't block the toilet. But, no, Tom is not normal. The spider is in the toilet bowl, giving Tom evils and refusing to die. Because of this Tom could not put his hand in the toilet and pick out the glass. Oh no, instead Tom flushes the toilet to get rid of the spider. HA! That showed the spider - DIE DIE DIE! And, indeed, the spider does die. But now the toilet is blocked.
What does Tom do? Nothing. That's right, sweet fuck all. He fucks off to band and leaves the house like a bomb site, the toilet blocked and some poor block staggering around Aberdeen with hypothermia and bruise marks on his legs where he's been kicked.
And that was a day in the life of Tom, my husband, aged 36.
Is it any fucking wonder I drink vodka?
